Baby Dust

I always hesitate to share these types of blog posts but I always go back to the fact that I think I was meant to go through this so I could share my journey. AND, also that I have many family and friends who have supported me through so much along the way and I’m not the greatest and talking about these things, I am more of a writer by nature.

So our journey with infertility continues…

Last week we actually go to meet with a terrific infertility specialist who happened to be in our city for the day. Now this is actually the first time we have met with a specialist on infertility, we’ve seen lots of OBGYN’s and because we lived in a fairly small town before moving to Utah, they were not easily accessible to us.

GQ was supposed to be out of town for the military for our appointment but the skies opened up and he ended up being able to go with me which was a HUGE blessing, it was so nice having him by my side. This doctor was EXCELLENT. He was thorough (he had looked through all my previous medical records), patient, easy to understand, STRAIGHT-FORWARD and answered my ENORMOUS amount of questions. I was quite impressed with him and for the first time this infertility stuff sort of made sense to me.

He laid it all out on the table for us…literally in the form of a chart of some sort (I couldn’t see it but GQ seemed to find it helpful). He told us our odds of getting pregnant on our own were around 10 percent, not great stats but at least someone finally laid it on the line for me. He told us our next two options were Artificial Insemination and In-vetro Fertilization (IVF).

 I will TRY to explain it to you the best way I can, which FYI isn’t elegant…

Artificial Insemination involves putting sperm inside the woman with a turkey-baster type device (I’m pretty sure that is not the official name). They often give the women medicine to increase the number of eggs she produces in hopes it moves along the process. It’s about $600-$800 a pop!

IFV involves a bit more work. They (the sperm/egg mixer people) take the women’s eggs and the man’s sperm and mix them together in a lab and try to develop an embryo from these two things, THEN implant it into the women. It’s a hand-crafted procedure really. It however is about $10,000 a pop! (And surely we all have a few $10,000 lying around, right!?!)

These are our two REAL options at this point. Well, there is one more we’d highly consider…

Fairy sprinkling baby dust.
 

 

That’s not to say I will EVER really give up on the idea we can get pregnant on our way someday, I’ve seen it happen to many friends after years of trying unsuccessfully. Plus, mentally and emotionally I’m not sure it’s possible for me to ever really give up that hope. However, we have to face the fact it may not come naturally for us.

Both these procedures are expensive and substantial but worth it if we get the final result. However, there is much to consider in our case. I have one, maybe even two, fallopian tubes that aren’t working well. One, in fact, was not working at all last check and may just need to be removed. We will find out in the next two weeks if I have one, two or no tubes to work with. If they both are not working, there is still hope but our chances of success are much higher if I have at least one to work with. Send good Fallopian tube vibes my way if you don’t mind.

For both GQ and I the reality really sunk it last week, for the first time we both felt like this was all real, that we were actually “one of those” couples who are the uphill climb to trying to get pregnant that infertility in our lives had just became REAL, yep, it’s REAL LIFE for us. GQ said when we walked outside after our appointment, “Wow, the world just looks so different now.” I felt the same.

For those who have dealt with this in the past, are dealing with it now or have an inclination that this might happen to them, the emotions you experience are so different than any other thing you’ve dealt with in life. For some being a parent is not what they want, and that’s perfectly okay, but when it’s what you’ve wanted for as long as you can remember the reality that something so natural has to become so un-natural, has to be crafted and scienceified (new word that I am liking quite frankly), it is a little heart breaking.  You go through phases of sadness, hope, disappointment, resentment, anger, insecurity and fear. You want to believe that this is, “happening for a reason” that “it’s just not time,” but that doesn’t always soothe the pain.
 

I’m learning that while this is always on the fore-front of my mind, life goes on. There are other things in my life that need improvement; that I need to work on. I am trying to push myself beyond what I know I’m capable of and push myself in new ways.

Me doing an "I love life" leap on a hike through Snow Canyon National Parik 2013

I’m trying to use this time to strengthen my marriage, after all that’s the cornerstone to our future family anyway. I’m trying to advance myself in my education, as much as possible. I’m trying to support causes that are important to me and participate more in community activities. I’m trying to take better care of my body by exercising and SOMETIMES eating healthier (throw in an occasional dozen cupcakes or so). I feel like focusing on these things will only strengthen me as a person….right!?!

And lastly you have to laugh about it every now and then…

Picture of Sweet Brown, caption says, "Infertility, Ain't nobody got time for that!

Where we are going next, we aren’t sure. We seek advice from others who have or are going through what we are, we truly treasure that advice. We pray and we plan the best we can for whatever step is next. Again, I want to document our journey not only for myself but maybe for someone else too.

 

When a Heart Breaks

There are few things that I know to be absolutely, 100 percent, without a doubt, no-strings-attached TRUE....

I don't normally talk about religion, spirituality, beliefs on this blog but today I feel compelled to do so.

That two thing I know to be true are the strength of the human heart the power of prayer.

In my life I've gone through a lot of heart break in various situations in my life, as have all of you. Our degrees of heart ache vary but we have all been there and once we've been through it it never really leaves us. I believe our heart's are a super strong muscle and can endure much and even can be broken time and time again and yet they still work. I am a firm believe that hearts can literally be broken -- and can just as literally be healed.

It may seem crazy to some but for me, this is what I know. Some pains our so intense that you literally feel your heart break. I woke up this morning in tears, for many reasons but my heart was just hurting for lots of people in my life and for some things in my own life. I turned on Pandora while I cried for a few minutes (I've learned it okay and actually good for me to cry every now and again). A song popped up on Pandora that brought me to my knees, lirerally. I felt this over-whelming spirit of comfort and heart ache fill the room all at once. I'd never heard this song before but it truly touched me so I had to share...



Many times in my life I have been confused about my religious beliefs, where I belong in the scheme or where I attend church or what I believe on various levels and at various times in my life but one thing that has always stood constant. When I pray, it works. I have seen my prayers answered far more times than I ever really deserved. Recently, my mind has been confused but I have tried to focus on the one thing I know for sure, that I CAN pray for comfort and guidance.

The results have changed my world and have helped me realize that the answers will come, that I need to pray more for others than myself and that no matter how full your head is, there is comfort in prayer or conversation with whom/what ever guides your life.

When a heart breaks, it will heal. Not today but it will. When you don't know what else to do, pray, seak guidance in whatever it is you choose to seak guidance in. I don't know a whole lot, but this I am certain of.


Photo: Prayer, the world's greatest wireless communication.
 

Parenting: Answering the Hard Questions

A sweet friend of mine recently contacted me via email. She was concerned about how to educate her little boy on people with disabilities. How should she explain things? What questions should she answer? What does she say to her little boy?

I am SO grateful when I get emails like this. It's refreshing to know there are parents out there who want to teach their children and educate them properly.

I find that when I am out and about, travelling from place to place, there is one general common occurrence. Kids are always curious about my cane and why I use it. I love kids in that they are so hungry for information and want to know all about everything going on around them. It's in their nature to want to know why and how, I love this.

So how does a parent go about addressing people with disabilities to their children?

1. Always, always be willing to answer their questions. Something that bothers me tremendously is when I hear a child ask their parent about my cane or why I use it and then mom/dad just shushes them. You know, "Shhh...we'll talk about that later (in hushed tone)." It's understandable parents can feel awkward in moments like this especially when they know I can hear them. BUT, the worst thing a parent can do is hush their child. Don't be afraid to answer the question right there on the spot. You may go into a longer, more in-depth conversation later but it's important for them to know it's ok to ask. If I hear the child, I'll sometimes answer myself but the parents are the best people to answer because then the child isn't afraid in the future to ask questions.

2. If you don't know the answer, it's okay. You are not expected to know everything about everything. Answer what you can then later do your own research and find the answers. The Internet has become an excellent resource for information that is easily accessible (still be careful where you get your information from). It's ok to say, "I don't know, but I will find out!" THEN go back to your child with the answer, don't leave them hanging, wondering and speculating.

3. Not every parent will want to do this but it's another option. Sometimes children will come up to me directly and ask me questions like, "Why do you carry that big stick around?" Or, "Why are you looking so closely at that package?" I personally don't mind this at all. It's easy for me to explain and I am totally aware that the child is just curious. If they have a question about me, or the person with the disability, let them ask them. Again, this might make some parents cringe, not knowing what the child may ask, but it's good for them to talk to others and learn things on their own as well.

4. Educate your child. There are so many great stories, books, articles, etc. about people with disabilities most are great, some are not, but check them out yourself first and then share them with your child. For example here are some really fun articles, about blind people, that are fun to read AND are great for educating your kiddos:
I Can't See...But I Can Imagine
Freedom 
Beyond the Funny Tree
Celebrate
Imagine
The Lessons of the Earth
To Reach for the Stars
The Car, the Sled, and the Butch Wa
Not Much of a Muchness
Safari
Reaching for the Top in the Land Down Under
I Can Feel Blue on Monday
Oh, Wow!
Reflecting the Flame
Remember to Feed the Kittens
To Touch the Untouchable Dream
Gray Pancakes and Gold Horses
Wall-to-Wall Thanksgiving
The Journey
Making Hay
As the Twig Is Bent
The Freedom Bell
What Color Is the Sun

5.  Don't be afraid to ask for help! Like I mentioned before if you don't know the answer to a question or you're not sure how to answer it. Don't hesitate to reach out to someone who can help. I'm always right across the internet-o-sphere at deja.powell@gmail.com.

Thanks for reading this and for being such AWESOME parents!
And HAPPY NEW YEAR everyone!

Fight or Flight

Today was quite a day for me. I'm exhausted, but can't sleep, I'm sure you've all been there.

My friend Meg is one of my favorite people. I love her blog because she's real, honest and well...natural, that's what's so great about her. Meg and I went to high school together but didn't really run into each other again until we were both going through pretty huge, traumatic life moments, we ran into each other in the waiting room of an ICU. I have never really told her this but since then I've felt this strong connection to her...the more we move through life, the more I see the reasons why I do...

I hope she doesn't mind me saying this, but the point is, she motivated me to write my feelings about today...

I stayed up late, like 3 a.m. late, last night working on my homemade Christmas gifts for this year. It was a strange night, one of those nights where there was energy in the air but I wasn't sure what it was all about...does that make sense? 

I woke up this morning and walked to the bank to meet with a financial advisor about lots of things but partly to talk to him about a personal loan so I could begin more in-depth inferitlity treatments (infertility is EXPENSIVE). My phone rang a while into our meeting, now normally I wouldn't answer it in a meeting but my baby sister is due with a baby any day, so I answered.

Sure enough it was mom telling me my sister was in "active labor" (I wonder what un-active labor is?) and I needed to get up to Salt Lake ASAP (Salt Lake is about 5 hours away from my town). I flipped out a bit (poor financial advisor guy) and began making desperate phone calls to find a way to get to Salt Lake in time. This is my sister's second baby, but I missed her first one because I lived in Louisiana and promised I'd be here for this one.

I was able to get a final seat on a shuttle that left in 20 minutes from St. George. Now remember, I don't drive so now I'm frantically trying to figure out how to get out of that bank, get my clothes from home and make it the shuttle station, which is about 15 minutes from where I was. Needless to stay I made my shuttle thanks to the amazing banker guy who offered to take me, and ZERO luggage, just whatever I had, but I made it.

The five hour drive to Salt Lake was like this mega-storm of emotions for me. I was SO excited to finally have a new niece. I was freaking out about actually watching someone give birth. I was anxious the whole way hoping I'd make it on time. And another thought crossed my mind...a thought initally I shut out because I figured it to be super selfish. How was I going to handle seeing my sister deliver and then hold a tiny baby when my heart has been at its deepest aching point about not being able to have a baby myself?

I felt horrible, selfish, angry with myself that this EVEN crossed my mind. MY SISTER'S HAVING A BABY, THAT'S AMAZING! But I couldn't shake it....

I made it, literally, 30 minutes before my sister delivered my sweet niece Maycee. It was an incredible experience and my sister was an absolute champ! It was the most miraculous thing I've ever seen, bringing a new life into the world. She was perfect, and beautiful at 6 ibs. Perfect.

I watched my sister and brother-in-law and they were so perfect and loving and sweet with one another it was so special. I was so joyful for them and this amazing addition to all our lives. Then suddenly the heartache from earlier that day dropped on me. It felt horrible. I felt horrible for feeling bad for myself at this incredible moment, but it was such a dark and over-powering feeling for me.

I walked out to the waiting room, mostly so other family members could come in and I sat on a bench and cried. I cried really hard. All I could think was, "What if I never get this chance?" "What if I never get this joy for myself?" The whole time I battled with myself in knowing how selfish I was being at this very moment. I hated myself right then for feeling this way. I wanted to run away and hide from myself.

A few minutes later...I wiped up my tears and walked back into that room and watched my sister feed my beautiful niece. Then our sweet little Maycee suddenly stopped breathing. My heart fell to the floor.

The nurse did everything she could to get sweet Maycee to breath. It was such a heart-wrenching moment watching my little sister lay there unable to do anything while they worked on her own daughter. My saddness turned to anguish for my sister so quickly, it was awful. The nurse gave Maycee oxygyn and stabalized her enough to move her to the NICU but in a moment our whole world seemed to fall out from under us.

Sweet Maycee got stronger as the night went on and she continues to get stronger...she's not out of the woods yet but things are looking better and she's a strong little girl, you can sense that just by holding her. And she has the best parents ever. My sister and brother-in-law are so strong.

I struggle somedays to understand why it's not my time or why it has to be so complicated to do something that is supposed to be so natural (having babies) but I know that, like tonight, there is a time and a place for all of us. Life is precious and fragile and not in our control.Our power is so minimal is moments like this, when there is nothing you can do but clinge to hope that what's meant to happen will prevail.

Phew. What a day. It's time for me to stop feeling sorry for myself and love on my nephews and new niece while I have the chance... even if I do stink since I have no deoderant or a change of clothes. They'll still love me, right!?!

I {Heart} Veterans

I loved walking to church this morning and seeing all the American flags on display. It
Helped rejuvenate my faith in patriotism (which I needed...maybe we all need).
My view on Veteran's Day has changed TREMENDOUSLY in the last few years! When

I first met GQ in September 2007; he told me he would be deployed 9 months later to Iraq.
I almost didn't continue dating him because I never wanted, intended, imagined EVER
dating someone in the military. It just didn't seem like a lifestyle I could handle.
But, unexpectedly I sort of started falling in love, big time. I wanted to walk away so badly
but I just couldn't; there was something super special about this guy.

We continued to date and GQ was indeed deployed in May of 2008 for one year to Iraq. it
was one of the hardest years of my life. I did NOT understand, by any means, the sacrifices
we were both going to have to face with a deployment. I was NOT well prepared and sort
of jumped into it head first without knowing how to swim. It was harder than I could ever
explain on this blog.

But it was even harder for him, and I failed to realize that at the time. I was not a good
support to him and struggled to figure out how to guide him through it all. I took my role
for granted. We both struggled.

GQ came home from Iraq and it took us quite a long time to mend our broken relationship
and for GQ to mend himself.

All of it was worth it! All of it, to get where we are today.

I'm so thankful I've had the opportunity to get to know more military families and their
struggles and triumphs. I have learned more through being an Army wife than anything
else I've done. Our lives revolve around the military and when they call, he goes. No matter
what plans there may be, it doesn't matter if the military calls, he goes. It's frustrating,
scary, disappointing and really difficult some days. BUT I know it has made our
relationship stronger and we have learned to cherish our time together.

GQ is getting deployed again next year and we are doing our best to be better prepared this
time around. I am going to try to do much better at being the best support I can be.

Right now, this country is in more turmoil than I have ever seen, in my short life. It scares
me, it worries me, it makes me wish more and more than somewhere we might find
common ground and be united as one. It's never, to me, felt more un-united, which is not
what so many have fought for.

I read something yesterday that called this generation the "lamest generation". When I saw
this tears instantly welled up in my eyes. Why? Because, it hurts me to think that's what
some think of our generation; I don’t see it this way, that our generation is lame, not in whole, we’ve done a lot of great things in my opinion.

I just wish the hatred would stop!

I cried last night after reading this because my emotions are very much on the surface
as I begin to plan for me, and all the families in our battalion to face life apart for a year. I have
a husband that by the time he is 33 will have spent 2 years of his life, overseas, trying to
make life better for the American people. No I don’t want sympathy I just hope for a little united patriotism is all.

I end with a simple thank you to all those who love this country, who fight for it, who support those that fight for it, who say thanks to a member of the military, who displays a flag in their
yard, who don’t have to be hateful to have an opinion (remember why you get to express it in the first place).

Thank you to all of you and to all Veteran’s and their families today, tomorrow and the
rest of the days.

God Bless America!

This is a picture of GQ punching a punching bag. This was taken for photo editorial about Veteran's today.

Grey Matters

My dad has been on my mind a lot lately (that's really nothing new). I still think about him every single day!

May is also Brain Tumor Awareness Month so I wanted to share some fun things/products with you!

The ribbon for brain cancer is gray.

Show your support for Brain Cancer Awareness by wearing this cozy scarf! It is lined with soft gray fleece for warmth, and made primarily from a cotton designer fabric from the "Snowberry" line. It is heather gray, with large light gray polka dots in rows with small white flowers and aqua accents.

Awareness Ribbon is appliqued onto the bottom of the scarf and measures approximately 4.5 inches tall.

100% of the proceeds from this sale will be donated to Miles for Hope (www.milesforhope.org).


Go here to get this product: http://www.etsy.com/listing/68440847/brain-cancer-awareness-gray-ribbon-scarf


These beautiful ribbon charms are 5/8" long and are silver-tone with an enameled color finish. Each charm has an enclosure hoop that allows them to be easily attached to your favorite bracelet or necklace. Available in all of our cancer awareness colors. I just love these!

Purchase one (or two) here: http://www.choosehope.com/product/ribbon-awareness-charm

Next time I get a manicure, I'm doing this. Love the dark nails with the grey ribbon on one finger. Fun way to show support!



I so smitten with the next item.

Show your support with cancer ribbon awareness earrings. These are Gray which supports Brain Cancer. Hand stitched using delica beads and surgical steel hooks. Approx 1.25" drop.



Get these beauties here: http://www.etsy.com/listing/97442475/brain-cancer-awareness-beaded-ribbon?ref=sr_gallery_44&ga_search_query=brain+cancer&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_ship_to=ZZ&ga_min=0&ga_max=0&ga_search_type=all

There are so many fun and wonderful products over on Etsy so be sure to check them all out, just type brain cancer (or whatever form of cancer you would like) and click search.

One of my favorite gifts to give (hint, hint Mother's Day is like SOON) is one where the products I purchase helps a good cause!

Remember, Grey Matters!


To learn more about brain cancer please visit: http://www.braintumor.org/

Fun, Fabulous and 50...

I was able to go home for the holidays and was able to leave a little bit early to celebrate my mom's 50th birthday!
My little sister and I have been planning this for a while and wanted to make it super special, after all we have a great mom!

My mom is a humungo Betty Boop fan. She has loved her since as long as I can remember, she has a Betty Boop shrine in her home for heck's sake. So a Betty Boop Diva themeed party seemed perfect!

Many of the items for the party were hand made, we wish we could have spent a trazillion dollars on a fun party but so tried to be crafty and still classy. So I wanted to show you how it all came together, you ready...

The Treat Table

Sucker displays I mad with wrapping paper, a foam cube, ribbon and buttons.

Cute suckers from Oriental Trading Company

Cute cookie display. Red and hot pink sugar cookies from Reams bakery in Magna, Utah.

"Still a Hot Tamale" candy display.





Big Red gum vase and Cherry display.

The cookies were so pretty and even more delicous!

Betty's Bar was a huge hit throughout the night! ;)

We also had a fun Betty Boop Kissing Booth

Candy wax lips for some HOT pictures!

We also had lips and a stick for more red hot photo ops...

The kissing booth was also equipped with paper and pens to write sweet notes to the birthday girl...

And of course there was food and lots of it...



Lots of fun was had by all, especially the birthday girl!

Happy Birthday to one terrific mom! Muah!

Oriental Trading Company, Hobby Lobby,



Lessons Learned from Little Men

I feel very introspective these days. I have taken time every day to really think about life and the people in my life. I know I sound like Oprah here but my heart seems really heavy both in worry AND in gratitude.

 In case you weren't aware, I have thee most ADORABLE nephews in the universe. Even though I am way too far away from them, they teach me so much. Here are some lessons I've learned from them...

Best Friends will ALWAYS be there for you no matter what.

It's ALWAYS a good idea to stop doing what your doing and take a nap once in a while...

Mickey Mouse makes everyone smile.

Don't be afraid to let loose and be silly every now and then...

Grandpa's are the best ones to have conversations with, they know everything...

Even if your grandpa is in heaven, he's always watching out for you...

Friends come and go but grandma's are ALWAYS there for you...

Sometimes in life we miss things because we just don't open our eyes wide enough...



Life can get rough but one steady force will always be your mom...

Always, always smile no matter what you are wearing, that smile with stand out...

Always remember not to work too hard, stop and play once in a while...

And most importantly, if mom, dad, grandma and grandpa say, "No!" Ask your auntie. She will always give you sugar right before bed time...

To my Nut Job (Iszacc) and my Gavinator, thanks for teaching me so much.

I love you my little dudes!

-Auntie Dej