Fight or Flight

Today was quite a day for me. I'm exhausted, but can't sleep, I'm sure you've all been there.

My friend Meg is one of my favorite people. I love her blog because she's real, honest and well...natural, that's what's so great about her. Meg and I went to high school together but didn't really run into each other again until we were both going through pretty huge, traumatic life moments, we ran into each other in the waiting room of an ICU. I have never really told her this but since then I've felt this strong connection to her...the more we move through life, the more I see the reasons why I do...

I hope she doesn't mind me saying this, but the point is, she motivated me to write my feelings about today...

I stayed up late, like 3 a.m. late, last night working on my homemade Christmas gifts for this year. It was a strange night, one of those nights where there was energy in the air but I wasn't sure what it was all about...does that make sense? 

I woke up this morning and walked to the bank to meet with a financial advisor about lots of things but partly to talk to him about a personal loan so I could begin more in-depth inferitlity treatments (infertility is EXPENSIVE). My phone rang a while into our meeting, now normally I wouldn't answer it in a meeting but my baby sister is due with a baby any day, so I answered.

Sure enough it was mom telling me my sister was in "active labor" (I wonder what un-active labor is?) and I needed to get up to Salt Lake ASAP (Salt Lake is about 5 hours away from my town). I flipped out a bit (poor financial advisor guy) and began making desperate phone calls to find a way to get to Salt Lake in time. This is my sister's second baby, but I missed her first one because I lived in Louisiana and promised I'd be here for this one.

I was able to get a final seat on a shuttle that left in 20 minutes from St. George. Now remember, I don't drive so now I'm frantically trying to figure out how to get out of that bank, get my clothes from home and make it the shuttle station, which is about 15 minutes from where I was. Needless to stay I made my shuttle thanks to the amazing banker guy who offered to take me, and ZERO luggage, just whatever I had, but I made it.

The five hour drive to Salt Lake was like this mega-storm of emotions for me. I was SO excited to finally have a new niece. I was freaking out about actually watching someone give birth. I was anxious the whole way hoping I'd make it on time. And another thought crossed my mind...a thought initally I shut out because I figured it to be super selfish. How was I going to handle seeing my sister deliver and then hold a tiny baby when my heart has been at its deepest aching point about not being able to have a baby myself?

I felt horrible, selfish, angry with myself that this EVEN crossed my mind. MY SISTER'S HAVING A BABY, THAT'S AMAZING! But I couldn't shake it....

I made it, literally, 30 minutes before my sister delivered my sweet niece Maycee. It was an incredible experience and my sister was an absolute champ! It was the most miraculous thing I've ever seen, bringing a new life into the world. She was perfect, and beautiful at 6 ibs. Perfect.

I watched my sister and brother-in-law and they were so perfect and loving and sweet with one another it was so special. I was so joyful for them and this amazing addition to all our lives. Then suddenly the heartache from earlier that day dropped on me. It felt horrible. I felt horrible for feeling bad for myself at this incredible moment, but it was such a dark and over-powering feeling for me.

I walked out to the waiting room, mostly so other family members could come in and I sat on a bench and cried. I cried really hard. All I could think was, "What if I never get this chance?" "What if I never get this joy for myself?" The whole time I battled with myself in knowing how selfish I was being at this very moment. I hated myself right then for feeling this way. I wanted to run away and hide from myself.

A few minutes later...I wiped up my tears and walked back into that room and watched my sister feed my beautiful niece. Then our sweet little Maycee suddenly stopped breathing. My heart fell to the floor.

The nurse did everything she could to get sweet Maycee to breath. It was such a heart-wrenching moment watching my little sister lay there unable to do anything while they worked on her own daughter. My saddness turned to anguish for my sister so quickly, it was awful. The nurse gave Maycee oxygyn and stabalized her enough to move her to the NICU but in a moment our whole world seemed to fall out from under us.

Sweet Maycee got stronger as the night went on and she continues to get stronger...she's not out of the woods yet but things are looking better and she's a strong little girl, you can sense that just by holding her. And she has the best parents ever. My sister and brother-in-law are so strong.

I struggle somedays to understand why it's not my time or why it has to be so complicated to do something that is supposed to be so natural (having babies) but I know that, like tonight, there is a time and a place for all of us. Life is precious and fragile and not in our control.Our power is so minimal is moments like this, when there is nothing you can do but clinge to hope that what's meant to happen will prevail.

Phew. What a day. It's time for me to stop feeling sorry for myself and love on my nephews and new niece while I have the chance... even if I do stink since I have no deoderant or a change of clothes. They'll still love me, right!?!


M Mommy to 4 said...

Sounds like a good excuse to go shopping! But seriously, infertility is a hard thing to go through. And so are miscarriages. I know your sister would understand that nagging thought in the back of your head after her trials! It's tough, but we have those problems for a reason, and I think sometimes it's to overcome that voice in the back of your mind. Hang in there!

Meg said...

I know I just left a comment on FB but I had to leave one here too. I'm sorry Deja! I'm sorry that your heart is so torn right now. I'm sorry that nothing makes sense. I'm sorry that it hurts to see others experiencing what you so long to experience. I wish that I could make it better someway, but I can't. But I am glad that in some small way I played a part for you to express these intense emotions. Life can be so difficult sometimes.

Congratulations to your sister! What a huge blessing! But yes, I get it. I get it all too well. The contrast between you getting a loan to try expensive fertility treatments and rushing to see a baby be born. Uggghhh... I hate the end of the story that you are on. I get it. I'm in the middle of doing some fertility treatments as well, and found out a few weeks ago that my sister in law who has 5 kids and has had her tubes tied is pregnant. She's taking extreme measures to not get pregnant and I'm taking extreme measures to get pregnant and the opposite happens. And so the cycle goes... and I'm tired of being on this end of it too.

How long are you up here for? We should do lunch sometime. Hang in there. Sometimes when the unfairness in life seems a bit too intense I just unplug, go buy my favorite icecream, and soak in a hot tub until the water runs cold. It's less damaging than getting drunk (HA! like I even know what that is). But I find it's healthier to not pretend like everything is okay and to accept whatever emotion you are feeling and work your way through it. One bowl of eggnog icecream at a time. Love you girl!!!

Shauna said...

Beautifully said & it's all understandable to have those feelings. So glad you were able to make it up in time to be there for Ambree. And how nice of the guy at the bank. Funny how life teaches us lessons, heh? Congratulations on a beautiful new niece!!