then I woke up.
It was dark and gray outside all day, this is so rare for where I live as its sunny 355 days out of the year, today was DARK.
I woke up feeling the way it looked outside. Once in a while, I wake up feeling sad and start feeling so down on myself. I know we all have these days, they're the worst right!?! For some reason, I woke up and I was thinking about my first marriage, why? I really don't know. I started saying the worst things to myself in my head like everything was my fault, I was a horrible wife, I am a difficult person to be with and that's why we ended up divorced...it went on and on in my head and laid in bed and let it eat through any happiness I started out with. Ugh, I hate it when I do this.
GQ is home with me this week (which is so rare these days) and I have been looking forward to time together for so long. I didn't get much sleep, woke up super early and by the time he got up and going I was in an awful mood. We got ready and headed to the gym and in the 10 minutes from our house to the gym I managed to yell at him several times. He was clearly frustrated not understanding why I was so mad at him.
The reality was, I wasn’t mad at him at all, I had been telling myself how awful I was for hours now, convinced myself that I was bound to ruin this marriage too and was sure my awfulness would push him away, and he was getting the brunt of it. Like GQ does so well, he makes me talk about things, it’s not always pretty but he WILL NOT QUIT and always pulls it out of me. I hate/love him for that! *smile*
We sat in the car in the parking lot of the gym, while it poured down rain while I cried and yelled and eventually talked through things.
At what point do we forgive ourselves and other and move on? When do we stop believing we are not adequate and that we will fail? I’ll tell you when, when you realize it’s effecting the people/person you love the most in your life right now. When we are too busy worrying about the past and forgetting to work on the present.
For the most part, I have come a long way; I am a confident, independent woman who is totally different than the woman I was in my first marriage. I have found my absolute perfect mate, my companion and the person I was meant to share my life with. So why in the world do I worry about my past? Why do we do this?
GQ and I went to the gym, dropped everything we had planned and just spent the entire together doing things each of us love to do. It was so refreshing and something I needed to rejuvenate myself and our love. Our relationship has never been in question, we are in this forever but it doesn’t mean things don’t get hard. That one of us doesn’t stumble a bit and need to be picked up. That we don’t need a day when we drop all the married couple chores and just hang out together shopping, eating, checking out new places in town, holding hand, making out in the rain…everyone needs one of these days.
|A picture of a couple in New York City while it's raining. We have this picture hanging in our bedroom, my little bit of the city in our home, and we love it!|
We finished our day with dinner at our favorite restaurant in town, George’s; we had the nicest server, Bronson, delicious food and each other. The best part of the day was when we were about to leave the restaurant, it was pouring rain and the sweet hostess asked us if she could walk us to our car with her umbrella. It’s not a super fancy place but we thought this was SO sweet! However, we looked at each other and both said, at the same time, “We got this, let’s run for it.” It was one of the best moments of my day, hands down. The same applies to our marriage and the same applies to me, on those cloudy, gloomy days.
My Aunt Christy bought me this book, "Learning to Dance in the Rain," sometime ago and it sits by our bed and is still one of my favorite, I suggest you get a copy for rainy days, I wrote about it here.
I love rain. I really, really love it. It’s like everything gets a re-start, appears differently, makes you stop what you’re doing and re-assess your plans. This was the day I needed. I needed this dark, rainy day.