5/3/11

Insecurities

I'm really sad because my birthday month is over! :( I now can't say, "But babe, you should do that cause it's my birthday month!" "Babe, I really want this, it is my birthday month," and "Can you cook AND do the laundry tonight, it's my birthday month!"

Bummer city! :(

And what's even worser is it's his birthday month and I have a feeling he might try to pull "...but it's my birthday month" on me. It only works one way buddy!

Anyway, even though my birthday month is totally over, it's my post-birthday month so lets talk about me still, K?

So if you didn't notice, I have decided to combine my blogs. I felt a little over-whelmed with so many (like 2 is so many, but whatev) so I had to cut back, I hope you understand. So I WILL continue to talk about blindness related stuff but I'll also share a little more of my personal life and my random thoughts on this blog...it all kind of blends together anyway!

So now to those crazy thoughts that bounce around in my head...

I went with my friend Shmindy (I'm going to start adding "sh" before all names to protect my people) the other day to do some shopping. We most certainly got our shop on. We went to visit a friend of hers that works at Dillards...in the women's shoe department!

If you know me at all that's like taking an alcoholic to a catholic wedding, bad idea! So I stood there swooning over beautiful shoes I can not afford and even, literally, almost druelled on a pair of red paten leather pumps I saw. I pictured myself just lying on the ground in a big pile of these beautiful shoes and making snow angels while smiling and giggling.

So here are a couple of objects that have won my undying affection...

Miss Kristina - Fuchsia Pink Ruffle Flower Shoe Clips

You can find these darling shoe clips over at Etsy!

And these feathery stunners are over on Esty too...
C-hristian L-o-u-boutin High Heels - Light Pink - knock offs from China

Aren't they beautiful. Takes my breath away.

So enough about shoes, for today. I am about to get serious for a second here...

We have had a very tough week around our house this past week. In the blink of an eye, a lot of things can change. We've seen it in our own personal lives and in our country. The other night it hit me harder than I expected, the capturing of Osama Bin Laden struck a chord with me as it did many Americans. Perhaps it's because my now husband is an American Soldier. Perhaps it's because we sacrificed a lot for an entire year while he was deployed to Iraq. Perhaps because I'm just feeling very patriotic. Whatever the reason I love this brief moment when most of us are showing bi-partisanship and rejoicing as a nation. I choose not to express my political views on this blog as most of you could really care less. But I will say this, I'm so very proud to be an American. No matter how "bad" it may seem in our country today, we are a blessed nation!



Dang! I still figured out how to get shoes into my "serious" post. It's a hopeless case.

I have moments, which I'm sure most of you do to, where I feel so insecure. I feel like sometimes on this blog, I act like I'm the most perfect blind person ever and I just ooze confidence. In reality, I am far from perfection and am not always a great example of a blind person. I have these moments when I doubt myself...

My husband and I love to ride go-carts, I know it sounds a little odd but we went on one of our first dates to the go-cart track and had a blast. It was when I was still trying to wooooo him and I wore a really cute outfit and hair down so it could blow wavishly in the wind, like a super model. Yep, that was a while back and I guess it worked cause he married me (I knew the wavy hair in the wind would work!)

So last month was my birthday month, in case I forgot to tell you that and my husband wanted to take me on a super fun birthday date...to the go cart track. The track is about 30 minutes from where we live so we hopped in the car (I was in sweats, hair pulled back and no make-up...oh how the mighty have fallen). The whole way there I felt so uneasy. Last time we had gone, I left my cane in the car. I had felt weird about taking it into the go cart track with me and then jumping in my little car to DRIVE, do you see the weirdness that could ensue. So last time, I left my cane in the car.

I have worked SO, SO, SO VEEEERY hard to get over my insecurities about using a cane and I pretty much have no problem taking it with me anywhere now but I never forgot that day that I left my cane in the car. I felt like had fallen off the wagon or something. 

So the whole way there I couldn't help thinking about the last time. I kept saying to myself, "what am I going to do when I get there?" "What am I going to do when I get there?" My gut kind of hurt from the internal dilemma I was having. So finally I said to my husband, "Let's not go!" He asked me why because he thought I loved go-carts. I told him that I did love to ride go carts but I didn't know what to do with my cane. I felt awkward about taking it in and then riding the go-carts. So we didn't go.

I haven't stopped thinking about this. What should I have done? Where was my "I don't give a crap what other people think attitude?  Why did I feel like again was walking the line between being a blind person and a sighted person. I felt so confused.

I realize that I still have some deep down insecurities that I have to deal with. I still question where I fit in sometimes. I still have days when I wish I didn't have my stupid cane. These moments have been far and few between for me but they still exist.

I was thinking maybe some of my readers would be able to relate. What would you have done if you were me? Have you felt this way? How did you handle it?

So in case you thought I always had it together, always made the right choice, and always had loads of confidence, you have been sorely deceived.

I'm feeling confident today, I got my power dress on (it's this little red dress I got over at Mikarose) and my black hussy boots! I always feel like a beast in this outfit! Beast in a good way!

So today is good, but I'm still working on myself.

3 comments:

Erin J said...

OMGosh... I totally am with you. My low vision is intermittent, so I still drive during the day. Talk about confusing people! I need a cane sometimes in unfamiliar places or in poor light, but at other times I drive. So far, I have wussed out. No cane. But I need to begin learning how to use it for real because our daughter is coming from Ethiopia soon and I'll need to begin working with her on cane travel. So it's time to get over my wussiness VERY soon. Wish me luck, hehe.

natalia said...

I actually feel that... you know what??? you are a person!!! a human person!! That's good! insecurities are a part of us... there is no one that could be 100% confident! And this also helps you to understand better people who is going through the same thing. By the way... I missed your birthday!! I'm sorry!! I hope you had a great time!

Jenn said...

I think you should have left your cane in the car and gone on that go-cart! It's not up to you to educate people everyday, sometimes you gotta bend the rules and just have fun, and not hassle trying to explain to people that you will be just fine driving the go-cart! I just discovered your blog and am really enjoying reading it. You have a cute personality. I am the mother to a 10 year old, spunky, stubborn, makeup and music loving girl (who happens to be blind). It's nice to get the feel of an adult blind person's perspective. My daughter HATES her cane, hates it! Refuses to use it unless forced too, wish I could find a way to help her understand that it will bring her more independence, any suggestions?