I have looked and dreamed a lot lately of events in my life, mostly heart-wrenching ones, ones that caused me so much pain. I don't believe I do this to tortune myself but to reflect on life lessons.
However, I woke up last night (or early this morning rather) in tears. Nightmares about difficult times in my life have been haunting me every time I fall alseep lately.
I crawled out of bed and onto my knees. I didn't know what to say, or ask, but I prayed silently, without words really. Sometimes I just can't even come up with what to say to the Lord, luckily he doesn't mind.
I climbed back in bed and quickly and peacefully fell back asleep. I started dreaming again...this time the same reflection of difficult times in my life, but in my dreams now...
I felt peace.
What actually woke me up this morning, early in the day, was my GQ. I had sent him a text late in the night telling him how much I was hurting. I knew he wouldn't wake up and see it until morning, but it gave me comfort none-the-less to send it. I woke up and he was in my bedroom (he has a key) frantic & concerned about me. He held me for a minute as I was still trying to wake myself up from what seemed like the most realistic dream I've ever had.
Just seeing him and having him hug me brought everything into persepective.
If I had not taken the dark, hard, scary paths I did, make the mistakes I have made, cried the many nights I have, I wouldn't have ever seen his face.
Now, I can't imagine not having GQ in my life. I can't imagine not having the job I have. I can't imagine not knowing the incredible people I know. I can't imagine not being the strong, confident woman I once was not. I can't imagine...
I heard this song on my iPod this morning. It describes perfectly my sentiments of last night, this morning and today.
We can look back over and over, and wonder, and regret all day long, but one things remains. We can't change a thing and yesterday gave us TODAY.
"Cause I don't mind what I've lost
I've reached the shore
And nothing ever changed
In a thousand waves
A million waves
Oh still I look for love
And all I see is your face.
So I come back home to you!"
At some point I have to stop swimming in the pains of the past and reach the shore.