I have always had this weird obsession with plane crash survivors. I guess I find them miraculous and I'm in need of reminders that miracles happen.

For me, right now...

This hurts so bad!

I couldn't breathe last night. I couldn't feel anything. I couldn't wrap my mind around eating, or sleeping or moving at all.

I walked passed my t.v., which is always on because it makes me feel less alone, and I saw my show on, "So You Think You Can Dance." I didn't even stop to watch it, but the song playing caught my attention...

(posted below...please listen)

We found out yesterday my baby sister lost her baby...her second baby in less than a year. I can't explain the heartache I felt when I answered her phone call and heard her heartbreak on the other end of the line...

I expected the call from her. I expected to hear joy in her voice and a date, a date when her sweet baby would make its debut. Instead her pain just pierced through me.

I don't understand. I don't understand why this all has to happen. I doubt I ever will. I can't answer my baby sister when she asks me, "Please try to explain to me why this has to happened to me?"

I just sit on the other end of the phone in silence...

We are a strong family. We've had to be. But we're tired.

I'm a firm believer in faith and strength and hope but I don't particualary care if it's ok for me to feel like enough is enough, that's how I feel right now.

I wish my dad were here.

I hate that my sister is so heart-broken, so crushed, so afraid and so confused. I would do anything to 'fix' her heart! But I know my pink tools can't fix this at all.

My sister asked me, "Where do I go from here?" "How do I even move forward?"

I don't know.

But I can tell you that every time my "plane" has come crashing down, I've always been equipped with a parachute.

Today, I just pray for parachutes!

Please God, be sure there are plenty of parachutes to go around!

i love you my beautiful baby sister


Just me and my girls said...

Deja, you are an amazing writer.

Ambree is so lucky to have you as a sister and as a friend. I will keep you all in my prayers and pray for your parachute.


Kathy said...

Unfortunately, parachutes don't open until we have the courage to jump out of the plane. I'm so sorry you and your sister and I'm sure so many other people are hurting so badly right now. Hang on. I'm sure help is on its way. {{Hugs}}

Clay and Jessica Brown said...

You know I don't have the answers, but I do know that heartache. All I can say...is ther is some reason behind it that we may not ever know until the after-life.....then I think about Job in the Bible and I know I didn't have to deal with what he went through. Thankfully! I also know of a lady that miscarried 9 times before she was able to keep the baby long enough to deliver a healthy baby. When all else fails just know that Heavenly Father is there for you and your sister and he will take away that pain if you just give it to him....you may have to give it everyday or every few hours, but he will take it. He will wrap His arms around you and hold you! I know He will. I pray that things improve and that your sister is willing to try again at some point when she feels ready. Sometimes we have to take that step into the dark before we see the light. It is very difficult, but it is possible! I love you Dej! You and your sister are in my prayers

Cassie said...

Deja, you are so strong. Anyone is lucky to have you in their life to take a little piece of that strength.

The Kooky Queen--Rachel said...

Deja, I'm so sorry! That is so sad for her and having been there, it just makes it all the more worth it when a baby finally comes. Losing a pregnancy just plain SUCKS. There's no other way to say it and I hope she can have a healthy baby soon!!!

Meg said...

Oh Deja, I'm so sorry about your sister. That is just heartbreaking. A heartbreak that I am all too familiar with. I've thought about that a lot.... how much would I go through to get my kids here? After I had my first miscarriage I read my grandma's autobiography. She had 8 children... and 12 miscarriages!! 12... she had more miscarriages than she did children. It just boggles my mind. I made a decision then that I would do what it took to get my family here, whatever that was. I had a feeling reading her story that I would be more like her than I wished. And so far that has held true, I have lost two babies and have one... and I'm not done yet! I can't give up on something as important as my family, even though the road is going to be so difficult considering the obstacles I'm facing now with having had cancer. I don't know the answers, but I do know that when your sister does have a baby, her joy is going to be so encredibly sweet! She may need some time to recover emotionally, but I hope that she can find the strength to keep on going. It's something that is so hard, but something that is so important to us women... to have our families. And those babies are hers... they are. Forever. It's okay to feel bad. It's a great loss to lose somethin gso precious. I'm so sorry... she's lucky to have a good supportive sister like you!