My Silver Lining...

Do you ever wonder why the people that are in our lives are in our lives? Perhaps it's only me who ponders these crazy, deep thoughts.

Tonight, I came home from dance to a messy apartment, laundry to do, clothes to pack, bills to pay and about a million other things on my to-do-list, I'm sure you all understand. Yet, I can't seem to do any of them, all I've done tonight is think, think about what I WISH I HAD, feeling sorry for myself, feeling so incredibly alone! But then I prayed, I mean truly prayed, on my knees, sobbing uncontrollably, heart on the line prayed! Immediately after...the slideshow of people rushed across my mind.

This weekend I spent Friday with my friend L, who in her own right is going through something so much harder than I can imagine. Her and her visiting parents just took me in on Friday night...nylon shopping and Village Inn pie eating. She lifted my spirits more than I could say.

Then Saturday, I danced in my first dance competition in years and I was so scared, probably more scared than anyone knew. I wasn't sure I'd be able to find my spot, or face the right direction, or land my turns the right way. But the girls I dance with didn't second guess me for a second, they didn't doubt me near as much as I doubted myself.

I later went to stay with my cousin Tiff! I called her earlier in the week and pretty much invited myself to come down to Orem and see her. So after my competition I headed down on TRAX! As I walked off the final TRAX station to wait for Tiff to pick me up, I heard a guy tell me that there was a bench open. As I walked closer I noticed it was a soldier, dressed in his full Army appearal. Usually I am quite talkative with people at bus stops but I sat on the bench and couldn't bring myself to say anything, I felt completely numb. As the sun was blaring in my face, the tears came to my eyes and I fought everything in me to hold them in. He began to talk to me and I just wanted him to stop, for I wasn't sure I could speak! As I turned my head and the sun went behind a cloud for a breif moment, it was just dark enough to see his name tag...it said, ATKINS. Just two letters short of the solder's name who just broke my heart. By this point I just thought, "Why do you do this to me God? Why?" For just when I feel like I'm gaining strength, I stumble...the sight of a soldier used to bring the biggest smile to my face, but today it hurt!

but then Tiff showed up!

This girl has never ending strength! She's beautiful and hopeful, faithful and strong, patient and optimistic. Of course she'd never agree with me on these descriptions but I've yet to meet someone how been thrown an arm full of trials and has fought with so much strength. All weekend with her I was reminded of my strength, of what I was capable of enduring and that we have walked a similar path all our lives and she has found her joy (whose name is Nick) and maybe I could find mine someday.

Tonight, I got several phone calls, none of which I answered, for the hardest thing for me to do is talk to people. I don't know how to answer the question of how I am so I avoid phone calls. But the messages, from Kathie & Donna & Jessica & Laura and on and on...mean more to me than these sweet people will ever know. The emails from old friends and blog messages from "Under the Sea":) And the love of my family, who I got to spend time with tonight, give me some juice in my battery to take on another day.

I realize that when I'm feeling my weakest, God sends me strength in the form of these people...these people who lift me up, even when they feel weak.


Julie said...

Isn't it amazing how it is so easy to focus on the negative instead of seeing all the wonderful people in our lives who are desperately trying to help us? I go through the same thing, Deja. I'm glad you were able to turn a sad mood into a good weekend by being with your friends and family. And for the record, I think you are an amazing dancer and can't wait to see your recital in a few weeks!

Nika, Travis, Ayda and Zander said...

I am glad there are people near by to help hold you up when you feel you can't do it on your own. God is mindful of you and he will ALWAYS send help to you. Hang in there, and post some pics from your dance if you have them, Ayda needs some pointers :)

SassaFrass Photography said...

You are an amazing person don't ever forget that! By the way, I made my blog header myself ;) You can buy them and stuff on scrapbooking websites like Shabby Miss Jen but you'll need photoshop to crop in your photos and such! If you ever need help doing it, I'd be glad to show you :)

Happy Holmes said...

Seriously you are inspirational! I love to read your posts. I hope you begin to feel a little bit better. It goes without saying that you are a very stong person, but even strong people need a good cry. I am glad you are able to express yourself so well.

I am also glad that you are being sent people to lift you and your spitits up.

And.. because I just can't resist:

GQ... you so need a clue. D is the hottest, most superb gal on the market.