So as you have been able to tell, I'm good at vague-ness. So far all you people know is that my face is filled with gravel and I feel like I'm gonna vomit! What a lovely image you must all have of me! Sigh!
So I'd like to get real for a minute, in between teaching classes at work may not be the best time, but when really is the best time!?! Real means I probably won't be funny and I won't get to act all witty and poetic, which is hard for me, but sometimes real is the best (like real cheese, so much better than the squishy, stretchy individually wrapped kind). Ok, I got one "witty" comment out, so I'll be a good for a while...
A couple of weeks ago I got a call from GQ who in his opening line says, "Guess where I am?" I thought, gee I don't know, last you checked it it was Iraq. So I guessed...China, Turkey, Afghanistan, in which he informed me it was far worse...MISSOURI! What the heck? Anyway, so he was home for a couple of weeks to train the next set of troops to take his place and then he'd be heading back to finish his deployment. This was a tad bit shocking, since he was now only a few states away...but then the shock kept on shockin'. He then said that he decided to go active duty in the Army. Flash back with me a year earlier: Lucas says, "I can't wait to get back from Iraq and get out of my contract with the Army, I just want out!" Alright we're back to 09, so active duty through me for a loop-dee loop. Then the shock turned to, "Slam bam thank you ma'am," when he said that he had decided to travel the country with his pals instead of coming to spend the summer with me. CAN YOU SAY OUCH!?! Mind you, this all happened in about 3 minutes of conversation. So then he asks, "so how's things in your life?" WHAT!?! They were great until 3 minutes ago.
Now to say that I didn't see some of this coming would not be very real of me, so since I'm doing a real, real post I'll be real. The phone calls have come less and less in the last couple of months, the conversations shorter and less sweeter. Only days before this conversation, the closing line of our talks changed from, "I love you Deja!" to "Well, talk to ya later!" Never good I tell you, he didn't just forget to say it like I attempted to convince myself, he didn't say it. Truly, this transformation came within a 24 hour period, one night it was I love you the next later skater!
His two weeks here in the states, I played the games, I sent him cute texts, I called him to see if he was doing well, surely he would realize what a sweet little lady he had on his hands. But every time I hung up the phone, I hung up feeling heart broken and a little bit of a wreck. Well, about a week into his little Missouri Excursion I found myself completely falling apart, emotionally, mentally, physically...you name it, it was falling apart. So on a Saturday night, fresh out of the ER (a story for another day) he didn't call, although he said he would. I should NOT be shocked right, I mean really, come on! But I woke up at 1 a.m. that Sunday morning, PISSED! I'm not gonna lie, I don't know what came over me, but the sadness slipped away and the anger reared it's head. I called him at that early hour with the devil horns flaring! I got a good loooooooooong yelling rant in and then...calmness.
Calmness came over me, out of no where, I talked to him straight forward. I told him I couldn't do this anymore, that I couldn't keep holding on to something when it's trying to wiggle away (very eloquent right!?!) I told him I didn't understand how it changed so fast; what happened to MY GQ!?! I told him that I was still crazy in love with him and that I couldn't be his friend..I don't want to be his friend. He expressed to me that he was hurting, that he's confused about how he feels, that he doesn't know what he wants!?! And while I don't know what he's been through, why he feels the way he does, I told him I couldn't keep hurting like this! I told him I needed to let him go...you know the old adage..."If you love them, let them go!" So that's what I had to do! I told him to call me when he figured out how he felt and we would see where to go from there.
It was the hardest thing for me to do, but I feel a sense of strength in knowing that I can love somebody so much and yet let them go and figure things out! Also that I can think about myself first and foremost and that the pain...I don't deserve again!
So, today, and everyday since that early morning conversation, I think about every word of what I said and wonder if I did what I should have. Deep down I know I did it right!?! But the pain, the pain of knowing I may have lost what I finally thought I had found sets in. I want this trust, love and hope to be a few light switches, that I can turn off, but I'm afraid it doesn't work that way!
So now I pray...a lot...for the hurt to stop and for the Lord to let me know how to move forward. And if GQ and DP belong together, He will somehow get to my soldier's heart and let him know.
But this week is my birthday week & there will be NO MORE gloomy, bummed-out kinda posts cause it's DEJA TIME and it's time to celebrate with the people who love me through and through...no conditions attached!
Bummed-out Deja is signing out now...thanks for listening, listeners!
P.S. This was hard being so Real on a blog...but I figure through expression comes healing, so here's to healing and chocolate birthday cake baby!