But tonight I needed to write. Just write about how I am feeling. My goal in sharing my story (with whomever may be reading) is to give a very real portrayal of this journey.
The last few days I have been a mess. I mean not-wanting-to-get-out-of-bed, cry myself to sleep, behind on school work, house is a disaster, not wanting to eat, turning down chocolate cupcakes kind of mess.
I have been trying to figure out why I have been feeling this way. Why, just a few days ago I was so excited and full of hope and now I feel pain, physical, mental, spiritual pain. I've tried to "force" myself out of it by crafting, resting, getting out, exercising, listening to up-lifting music, praying, reading other blogs...
But all I do is cry and cry and cry....
I don't write this so you will feel sorry for me, I know I'm not the only one going through tough times right now. I write this in hopes it will help me figure out why I'm grieving right now.
Maybe...
I'm crying because I am realizing how REAL all this is, that now I'm no longer the one reading the infertility blogs, but I'm writing them?
Maybe...
I'm crying because I want to know what it feels like to be pregnant! Yep, I want the morning sickness, the moodiness, the cravings, the big boobs, the cute maternity clothes, the "Aw, how far along are you?" the gushing over my belly?
Maybe...
I'm crying because I'm doubting my decision to not try to carry OUR baby first? Perhaps this "strong impression/gut feeling/instinct" that my body just can't handle it after years of problems is WRONG?
Maybe...
I'm crying because I'm selfish and I want this whole thing to be JUST about Lucas and I? After all, it's one of the few times in our lives it CAN be all about us! Maybe its selfish-ness?
Maybe...
I'm crying because I'm afraid that none of this will work and I'll never know what it's like to be a mom?
Maybe...
I'm crying because I can't just call my husband anytime I want and cry with him, or steal a hug for him or have him hold me at night or comfort me with his optimism.
Maybe...
I'm crying because I wish I were more optimistic.
Maybe...
I'm crying because infertility is just simply hard and scary and exciting and isolating and over-whelming all wrapped up together.
I don't know much right now, my brain is a little like mush.
My heart on the other hand... my heart knows that I have SO many people who love and care about Lucas and I; enough to invest money, spend time planning fundraisers, taking time to send kind messages in cards, letters, texts and emails, sending up prayers, offering their baby ovens, and simply exuding love for US!
Maybe...
I'm crying because this is going to be the journey of our lives...
 |
| Caption: I've made a decision to photo document our journey, all of it. Meaning the not-so-flattering pictures too. I may not share all of these on the blog but believe-it-or-not, it helps me through the process. |
1 comment:
Maybe because you're Human & it's very overwhelming & consuming everything in your life. Know it's understandable & you have every right to have all these feelings. Life doesn't always seem fair...and you've had enough obstacles as is. Hard to understand what God's plan is for us, and why something won't just happen when we do everything right to try & make it happen. I admire you for putting it out there, and being willing to talk about it. That's huge! Just never forget your fabulous support group is always there for you, through thick & thin. Sending big hugs your way!!
Post a Comment