Take me with you, Orange Balloons!

Dear Dad,
I often find myself really missing you at the times that are not the most convenient or the most common. Days like Father's Day never trigger an excess of emotion for me, I don't particualarly struggle on these days....

until today.

I can't seem to stop crying tonight. I miss you like crazy. As I sit here packing to take a short trip to Utah to visit everyone and meet Ambree's new little guy I can't help but wish that when I land in Utah, you will be there. I can't help but think that as soon as I meet my new nephew I will only yearn for you more. I know the little guy is a gift from you, a piece of you but I want you!

Tonight I am packing to go home but everytime I do, every time I go back to Utah, I have to face the fact that you aren't there and facing reality is not smething I'm great at. I know that everywhere I look, everyone I see, everywhere I go I"ll be reminded of you. I know it's a blessing to get all those sweet reminders it's just sometimes a bit painful for me. I always fear I won't have the strength to deal with the fact that you aren't there.

I grow to love you more everyday. I see small glimpses of your personality in me as I grow up. But most of all I just wish I was mre like you, a lot more loving and generous with my time, kinder to other, unconditional in my love for others, more forgiving, patient and a lot less selfish. You truly exemplified everything I need to be.

I realize daily how blessed I am to have had a father like you. It's days like today that I need to celebrate you and your life and cherish the joy we shared. But perhaps it's ok that I just miss you today and wish you were here. I wish I could call you on the phone and wish you a happy Father's Day. I wish I could hold on to the Orange Balloons I send up to you and go with them, wherever they go. I just miss you and my heart hurts...a lot.

This song came on my iPad and it hit me so hard...

"What would you think of me now? So lucky, so strong, so proud, I never said thank you for that..."

"And if you were with me tonight, I'd sing to you just one more time, a song for a heart so big, God wouldn't let it live..."

"May Angels lead you in? Hear you me, my friends. On sleepless roads, the sleepless go..."

Song: Hear You Me, Jimmy Eat World 

I love you!


Kathie said...

Deja, I am so sorry. I can't imagine how much you miss him. And know that he misses you too. I love you!

Becky said...

What a beautiful tribute to your dad. I haven't gone through this loss so can only imagine how much I will miss my dad when he is gone. After reading your post, I called and told my dad I loved him again. I hope you have a great visit in Utah.