I spent this weekend at the convention of the National Federation of the Blind of Utah. It was a really remarkable weekend for me on a number of levels.
When I first joined the NFB, they had invited me to one of their state conventions. I went to that convention with my sister and mom, no cane and no intentions of having anything to do with "these people" again. I wasn't really blind, I didn't need a cane, I would go to college and be fine, I'd marry the perfect man and pop out perfect babies, and bake perfect pies (well, that's pushing it)...I wasn't worried and I certainly wasn't blind..pshhH!
As I sat in convention this weekend, I thought back to the first convention I attended and then thought about where I am today. The girl who wasn't blind, who didn't need a cane, didn't need to read Braile and most certainly didn't need these other blind people in my life, was suddenly hosting a cane travel workshop, giving two speaches in Braille and was called to the board of directions...all with these people I thought I didn't need in my life!
I looked around the room at the people who very well may have been there that first convention and now were my colleagues, mentors and friends. But what hit me the most during this weekend was the fact that as I walked around the convention hall, around the hotel and down the street for dinner I felt energized, confident, beautiful, smart, hopeful, proud and excited! I didn't know who this recently depressed Deja was! For the first time, in a looooooooooooong time, I saw myself in a new light. I wasn't self-critical or hurtful, demanding or demeaning, I was just happy to be me!
So why do I/we forget this so quickly!
I came home this week and again, quickly fell into the "I feel beat down by the world routine!" I battle with myself everyday, I convince myself that their is something wrong wtih me and I beat myself up in such an emotional way! Ladies....why do we do this to ourselves? Come on, I know I'm not the only one!
I ask myself why I can't just bottle up th energy I feel when I'm in the lime-light and take it with me when it gets dark.